Post-Grad Connundrums

• The summer job I had planned for the next three months already didn’t work out and I was onto part-time job #2 by the third week of summer
• I’m currently residing in the basement of my parent’s house – God bless their souls.
• The other day, I sat in my car in the driveway for five extra minutes so I could avoid answering any questions our long-time neighbors might have about my future. (I wish I was kidding.)
• As my car broke down over Christmas break (and with no current income I am not what one would consider “wealthy”), I am also driving my parents’ Buick La Sabre with windows so tinted that I got pulled over and threatened with a ticket by our friendly neighborhood cop last week
• I’ve discovered that it is possible for people to send very kind emails when rejecting you from a job
• The new deodorant that I bought upon returning home does not hold up as well as I would like it to in stressful job interviews
• …and just for fun, Dish Network dropped the channel that Whose Line is it Anyway plays on in our area.

Let’s just call out the elephant in the room – I became one of those lost college graduates.

Considering my hometown has one main road, and five years after I left, I still know several members of the graduating senior class, I obviously don’t mean literally “lost.” However, career-wise/life-wise/next-step-wise, I am very, very lost.

Minus a few detours, I’ve always been a person who kind of has her life in order. Upon arriving at Iowa State, I immediately got involved. I kept my grades up (except for Econ 101, but that’s a conversation for a different time), I found a career path that made me excited for life, and I found my forever friends who really are the most incredible people (obviously an unbiased source). I’ve always prided myself on working hard, and I figured that things would just fall into place when I needed them to. I dabbled in a few career/AmeriCorps applications during my last semester, but it wasn’t until I was driving the Le Sabre back to good ol’ northwest Iowa, listening to some random slow song on the radio and crying about how unknown everything in the foreseeable future was (thank goodness for those tinted windows), that I realized how discouraged, scared and ultimately prideful I was feeling.

I can lie to you say that it is the fear of the unknown that’s keeping me up at night, but if I’m truly being honest with myself, the majority of the issue that God is bringing to light in my life right now is my pride. Most of the people I’m close to have full time jobs in their degrees, my boyfriend is the type of person who could be CEO of a company within a year of working for them (barely an exaggeration) and one of my very best friends spent last weekend getting hitched to the love of her life while the other pushed a tiny human out of her body. This is all while the most exciting additions to my life right now are the reruns of classic Whose Line is it Anyway episodes that I get to watch online in my dark, hole-of-a-basement bedroom.

My life isn’t bad right now; I know that. In fact, it’s pretty good. But wow, this period of time is bringing out all of my flaws – impatience, selfishness, pride,

The difference between the heart and the mind is such a funny thing.

In my mind, I know that there is a plan for my life that was formed before I even lived any days on this earth. However, my heart tends to forget that when I receive rejection email after rejection email from companies in my inbox.

In my mind, I know that I received an incredible education and invaluable work experiences. However, the whispers from the devil himself of being a fraud and not being cut out for a career in this world seem to cut straight into the deepest insecurities of my heart.

In my mind, I know I am loved because of who I am and not my profile byline on LinkedIn. However, the further and further away I get from flipping over that tassel, the more my heart can’t help but feel like a disappointment to those around me who thought I had it figured out.

In my mind, I know that the only person who can define what success means for my life, is me. However, the pride and shame in my heart consume me when I think of the expectations that I’m not sure I’ll ever live up to.

In my mind, I know that I’m only 22 years old and that there is no need to rush into growing up. But when my friends are months into their full-time careers, getting hitched to the loves of their lives and popping out little Suzie Q. Jr.’s, my heart questions if I’m ever going to have it figured out.

In my mind, I know that there is a King of Kings who designed me to fit into His perfectly constructed plan. My heart, on the other hand, often fails to believe that I can still be so unconditionally loved and cared about when I’ve turned on Him so many times.

And all I can do is pray.

…for my desires to match His.
…for my heart to catch up to what I know is true.
…and for the confidence in His timing, and His plan. Because it will be so much better than anything I could ever plan for myself.